Swimming along…but at some point I’m going to need floaties.

I know – I know in my heart – that getting out of bed, getting the girls ready for school, and dragging my butt into work is good for me. The routine will help…eventually. Problem being that “eventually” means at some indeterminate time in the future. “Eventually” isn’t now. Still. I got dressed. I made the girls some breakfast and a lunch for me to take to work. I dropped the girls off when I was supposed to and I made it into work.

And then I started crying when someone walked into my office and asked how I was doing.

I’m sure there are 101 projects waiting in my inbox, waiting to distract me. I’ll stop (for awhile) splitting my mind between the motions I’m going through and what I would be doing if I was back home where I belong. The girls will bring home homework packets and new projects and complaints, and we’ll pick up Fenway from her doggy hotel and then I’ll definitely have my hands full with a very wiggly dog who’s trying to sit on my lap and Bee’s lap and Gracie’s lap all at the same time. I’ll be too busy orchestrating the family circus to feel guilty that I’m here and not there.

Eventually (there’s that word again), I’ll have two of the same days in a row. The reminders of why, exactly, things are a little different, a little bit off, will melt away. And I’m sure there will be new stressors to fill up the very big hole. Eventually.

But for right now… “Eventually” sucks. Grieving sucks. Having to be a grown-up and fake like everything’s okay-ish when all you want to do is still be home with your family, helping? That sucks most of all.

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2 Responses to “Swimming along…but at some point I’m going to need floaties.”

  1. Kim Says:

    Awww…I would send you some cadbury eggs if I didn’t think they’d melt on the way down! But still – between N0S4A2 and your pats cards, I have a care package already started for you.

  2. Kathy Says:

    I am so sorry. Yes, faking it sucks as does “eventually” and being the grown-up. *HUGS*

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