Creepy bugs vs. deadly slime.

You’re heard about the imminent massive cicada invasion, yes? Every 17 years (or so), a giant swarm of cicadas – creepy giant buggies with massive wings and bulging red buggy eyes – descends upon the East Coast to make everyone scream and lie sleepless at night, wondering if that tickle was a bug or just their imagination. And when I say a giant swarm, I am not even kidding. We’re talking massive, massive numbers – people will be outnumbered 600-to-1. Millions and millions of bugs. Apocolyptic-type numbers. Numbers so big, they’re calling the event Brood II. (If that doesn’t have you picturing Mothra as the Wicked Witch cackling over her crystal ball, I don’t know what will.)

For once, I’m glad I don’t live on the East Coast.

Needless to say, Kim is rather squicked out.

Kim: Ew. There is a GIANT “brood” of cicadas getting ready to invade the east coast and i don’t live in a city!
Me: Dude. That is going to suck. But! Excellent photo ops! They don’t mention, however, whether they’ll be gone by August. [When I visit.]
Kim: They do not. National Geographic is going to help us brush up on some facts about cicadas. Hunh. They said that they taste like asparagus or clam-flavored potato, which begs the question: do clam-flavored potatoes taste like asparagus?
Me: Boil ’em, mash ’em, mix ’em with some clams. (But not bugs.)
Kim: Hahahah, that might be the best rendition of that ditty EVAH! Oh great. There are three species, and they all sing at DIFFERENT TIMES. You know, so there’s constnatly some buzz going on. They’ve been recorded to hit 93 decibels, which is louder than an airplane.
Me: That will help you stay up and read [NOS4A2]!!
Kim: I’m not reading creepy shit while we’re infested with creepy crawlies!
Me: THERE ARE NO BUGS! You will feel safer reading that book than you will watching Men In Black. Fact.
Kim: That’s a true fact. Why don’t i remember this from 17 years ago?
Me: I was thinking the same thing.
Kim: Did we not get invaded because it’s a city?? I was 13.
Me: Either it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be (which, totally possible)…
Kim: So you were 16.
Me: Or, we’re too far north.
Me: Maybe only 30 million.
Kim: there are enough to line up to the moon and back. THREE. TIMES.
Me: Which one?

[Sidebar: There really are two moons. It’s a favorite in-joke since watching that episode of British comedy/quiz show Q.I., but they are not even lying – two moons. And here’s the clip.]

But! The point is that I was feeling all smug and stuff because my sister was going to have cicadas tangled in her hair and crunching underfoot and I wasn’t! Ha haaa! And then she sent me this…

Kim: DON’T let the girls touch any giant snails you find! [With this clip. Because, you know – I am allll about nature and being a cool mom, and, not knowing, I would not only let them touch the deathly meningitis snails, I would make them leashes to catch them as pets.]
Me: Holy shite! We’re being overrun by creepy crawlies! Creepy bugs or deathly slime? NOT the brackets I want!
Kim: At least mine don’t carry deadly brain diseases. Puts these cicadas into perspective (and an Alice in Wonderland-esque perspective, at that).

So there you have it folks. If the blog goes quiet for an extended period of time, maybe send some dudes in HAZMAT suits. Could be face-sucking, brain-eating slugs. Or maybe King Kong and Godzilla have climbed out of the ooze. Surely they’re next.


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4 Responses to “Creepy bugs vs. deadly slime.”

  1. Agent Torklepants Says:

    we have four moons. a couple series after that stephen asked again and alan was all 2!!! and whooomp whoooomp whooomp because “dear 3 more have been discovered” =0] rich hall is the best for reminding stephen almost every time he guests lol

  2. Kim Says:

    “my sister was going to have cicadas in her hair and crunching underfoot” – UNnecessary!! I’ll be sending snail leases presently.

  3. Kathy Says:

    You guys crack me up! Anything I need to worry about invading MI any time soon?

  4. Kim Says:

    I haven’t seen anything for MI, Kathy. MN had some freak ice flows crash into people’s houses, but that’s an entirely different state-in-the-northern-middle-of-the-country-that-starts-with-M. I’ll keep an eye on MI made-for-tv-type invasions, though 😉

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