Everything she every really needed to know, I learned from The Princess Bride.

For today’s entertainment (while I am off taking my 2nd grader to the orthodontist), I offer you a chat I had with my baby sister yesterday. Either I am easily amused, or else we are some seriously funny ladies in dire need of a laugh.

Me: That is what THE CAT IS FOR!
Rhi: He had been guarding the fridge and then I heard some scrappy noises so I got a flashlight and he’s a BIIIIG mouse! Me: Sure it’s not a rat?
Rhi: It’s light colored….not dark grey…  I didn’t see its tail.
Me: The tail will do it, not so much the color. Wasn’t Scabbers light colored?

[Yes, I used a fictional rat from Harry Potter as a reference. Deal.]

 Rhi: Maybe its a wild gerbil?
 No, greyish. [She said, correcting me about Scabbers.]
lmao “fancy rats are social”
 Me: Why didn’t you google rat vs. mouse?
[Seeing “fancy rats are social”…] And attend only parties with sparkling water?
Rhi: Damn it, we don’t have sparkling water.
Me: You should put cheese in the middle of the floor. Hold Friedrich [the cat]. And when the mouse comes out, DROP him on the MOUSE!
  (said in my best crazy Sicilian.)
Rhi: lmao!
I feel like I needs a stick or sword or something long and pokey.
Me: So you can scare the mouse back into a crack in the wall where he can make more mouses?
 Or do you want to sweep him out towards the gaping mouth of the cat?
 Rhi: I just don’t want to skitter over my feet!!!
Me: Then go sit down and put your feet up. duh
Rhi: I have to do dishes ahhhh =0[
Me: Remember that story when there was a mouse and Gram was on top of a chair, screaming?
  You are Gram.
Rhi: I didn’t scream!…yet.
Perhaps I wash the knives first….
Me: The mouse won’t go near Friedrich. Obviously, you just need to tie Friedrich to one of your ankles.
Rhi: He wont leave the fridge.
Okay, so to tell if it’s a rat or mouse, I have to check its ears. Mice have HUUUGE ears and rats have little ones…cuz they dont care if you scream – they’ll eat your toes anyways.
Me: I think you are maybe confusing the rat/mouse with your ROUSes.
  And if you had’ve just listened to me when I told you to ARM YOURSELVES!, you could have just shot the mouse.
  (And then sorted out the bit about the ears.)
 Rhi: Shoot first, check ears later. Got it.
Me: According to the Web site you sent me, there are rat shelters.  Perhaps you should call them to see if they’re missing any rats.
Rhi: lol
It’s a rat. It’s in the corner and there’s a long skinny tail.
How do we fix this? Obviously this is my fault cuz I don’t clean enough, but do we just set traps or call exterminator?
Me: How long is the tail? Are you sure it isn’t a mouse tail?
Rhi: Googling. Oh god no! google! I don’t want to measure the rodent’s blood pressure!
Me: HAHAHA Did you find the blood pressure cut off thingie too?
Can you take a pic of it?
Uh-oh. Kim saw my status.
Perhaps I shouldn’t have started with “You’re pretty!”
Dude. I totally had her on the ropes until you told her there was a mouse. lol
Are you still alive?
Did it EAT YOU?
Rhi: Ahhh! It’s not where I last saw it!
Me: <eyes narrowing> How much sleep did you get last night?
Rhi: I let myself sleep in until Kim left.
Ohhh is it on my baaaack like in movies?!
Me: Well, back it into a boulder!
This is where Rhi kinda went scary silent and I started filling in Kim. After advising that tying Friedrich (who is the fattest cat you’ve ever seen) onto Rhi’s ankle would only result in Friedrick upending Rhi HomeAlone-style when he dashed after the mouse, Kim had to leave to prep for her class.
“Warn them about the gerbils,” I said. You never know.

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4 Responses to “Everything she every really needed to know, I learned from The Princess Bride.”

  1. Kathy Says:

    You all are funny! Or I am in dire need of entertainment. Where is the rat-mouse now?

  2. Kim Says:

    No word (squeak?) from anything rodent-ish last night or this morning. But poor Friedrich kept guard by the fridge the entire time!

  3. Agent Torklepants Says:

    Update: We set traps but Kim thought they were already baited and we found out they are not. So now we have cuet lil Mousie condos set up behind the fridge. Norman (the mouse, named for Norman Bates cause HE TRIED TO KILL ME!) was back last night and he’s seen the condo development thats set up for him but he couldn’t move in yet. Freidrich was hovering over them the. entire.time. I guess we’ll have to put “Cat friendly” in fine print on his lease.

  4. Mary Says:

    Ha, ha, ha! That is soooo funny!

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