I am the master of pies! (And also putting out oven fires.)(Except not really.)

Isn’t that an excellent title? I thought so. Because guess what I did yesterday? I baked pies. We’re having our Thanksgiving today and so, really, the pie-baking had to happen. I wasn’t worried. Much.

That’s my lucky shirt I have on, since my mom’s apron is currently unavailable. Not pictured: the Christmas music that MUST BE PLAYING if you want your pies to come out half-way decent. I am not even kidding. Also necessary: my mom’s blessing. Here you can see everything is ready, including The Magic Pie Cloth, but I’m waiting for my mom to call me back and commence the annual Blessing Of The Pies.

HA! I am very much enjoying how nice and neat everything looks here. Almost like I know what I’m doing. That is so funny! So, while I was waiting for my mom to get off her kiester and call a girl back, I decided to take a picture of All! The! Crisco! See, before I could never remember how much shortening I needed to make pie crusts. Add to that the fact that the first year I attempted to make pie crusts, I messed up so completely and so fully that I needed to start over…three or four times. That year the future-husband had to run to the groceria twice for more Crisco. So I might have become a little paranoid. My name is Katie, and I am a Crisco-hoarder.

But all of that is for naught, of course, because now I am the master of pies! Ta-da! A perfect pie crust every time. It’s round, it took one attempt, it didn’t crack or fall apart when I transferred it, and I had plenty of dough left over because it was too big. (That is the sound of my mother spitting and cursing. At me, most likely.)

Perhaps I should have spit and cursed myself. Because then the oven started smoking. Like, really smoking. Especially when I opened the door to investigate and discovered pizza cheese had sneakily dribbled onto the oven floor and was seriously pissed off about being left behind. Rather than wait for the smoke detectors to go off, I used a metal spatula to maneuver the almost-on-fire brisket-formerly-known-as-pizza-cheese to the edge of the oven. Where I deftly scooped it up with dampened paper towel. That, um, wasn’t quite damp enough. Hey, did you know that paper towel re-ignites after you blow it out? It does! I also found out you only have to blow it out three times before you reach the sink and can douse it properly. Seeeee?

I was SO MUCH FUN to follow on Twitter yesterday, lemme tell you! But everything was okay because despite the itsy-bitsy kitchen fire incident, my apple pie turned out perfect.

I have to say, my favorite part of that picture is the soot on my fingers. Heh. My NOT-favorite part was where I didn’t go outside, turn around three times and spit (or curse, SPIT AND CURSE!) because just when I was feeling all cocky because my crusts were perfect and my apple pie was perfect, I turned around to check on the oven annnnd….

…Mount Saint Lemon had blown a seam. Despite the three very generous holes I had cut in the top! But now you see why I had put tinfoil in the bottom of the oven. Sigh. By the time the pie came out of the oven and cooled off, the lemon had depleted so much that we had a concave pie. Good thing I had half a pan of lemon left to re-stuff it this morning. Heh.

And just as I was cleaning up my pie victories/fiascoes (vicascoes?) was when I discovered the turkey was indeed thawed…but missing its weight/price tag. So I got to clean the scale, weigh the turkey, and hope for the best. But at least the turkey didn’t catch anything on fire. Yet. (And now my scale is the cleanest, bleachiest scale in the whole neighborhood!)

And THAT is the story of my Thanksgiving pie-baking. I have never laughed so hard at myself in my life – and that’s saying something. At least I know I’m doing one thing right if I’m having this much fun.


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5 Responses to “I am the master of pies! (And also putting out oven fires.)(Except not really.)”

  1. Mrs. E Says:

    : ) Goodness. You add a lot of excitement to the process. My favorite part– cooking with a glass of wine!

  2. Kathy Says:

    Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you have a wonderful day. The lemon pie looks yummy despite the explosion. Recipe please and thank you.

  3. Gayle Says:

    Katie, I miss visiting you so much! I’m going to try to get back into the bloggy world again. I hope you and the girls have a super, wonderful, Happy Thanksgiving!!!

  4. Agent torklepants Says:

    I think ‘vicascoes’ is the only constant theme in my life right now lmao.

  5. Kim Says:

    “Currently unavailable” makes it sound like mom’s apron was off doing fancier pie-making in some hipster locale, possibly after being sold as a “magical” “vintage” item on Etsy, working only with organically grown, fair trade ingredients and laundered by hand with the gentlest of soaps. God bless it.

    Also? I TOTALLY thought *you* had the apron!? Which is why I have one mom embroidered for *me*!? Where is it???

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