Losing heart: don’t do it, don’t you dare!

I was so taken aback, my jaw dropped. Just me? Has any of you ever found this kind of fortune in your Chinese take-out?

losing heart

Losing heart. What the hell?! Who gets a fortune like that? First of all, that’s not even a complete sentence. Secondly, …okay, I’m sorry, I’m back to what the hell?! again. It hits a little close to home.

I’m trying to remember that no matter how many times I have to climb the mountain in front of me, it’s going to stand there until I get past it. It’s my mountain, and it’s just my luck. Some people have their houses burn down. Some people lose their children, or lose parents at an impossibly early age. There are so many different kinds of trauma or hardship.

My mountain is my mountain. Sometimes it’s easier, sometimes it isn’t.

Don’t lose heart, Katie-girl. You can do this.

My best life apparently includes ALL the wildlife.

Today was a rough day. Like, almost throw up from the stress of it all kind of rough. Because no one likes surprises. Especially stressy, tough surprises. And not those surprises over and over again.

Honestly, yous guys, I feel like Wile E. Coyote a bit, because just when I feel like I’m getting back on track, rebuilding my best life, feeling great about who I am and where I’m going (except for one or two pins I need to fall into place), and then… KABLOOEY!!!

But! When I woke up this morning, I pulled up my Girl Scout socks and told myself that anyone who can find a bald eagle in the wild – a bald eagle nest, even! – doesn’t have anything to worry about. She’ll manage.

Of all the inspirational things I tried to tell myself, that was the one that actually stuck to the wall.

Because you know what? I DID see a bald eagle – a bald eagle nest, even! – in the wild! I’ve seen a mature bald eagle, majestic, breathtaking, damn near miraculous honestly. And I’ve seen two fledglings still in the nest (…who i maybe thought were part of the tree at first. Shhh! -don’t tell!). The fledglings were ginormous; nearly the size of their mama. They all just sat there, occasionally preening. Not much ado about anything.

How crazy is that? I’m a city girl. I didn’t roam out of the city…well, maybe a little towards the suburbs as we roamed the Langolier pole path, and sat by the sides of swamps. By “we”, I mean one of my uncles took me. He used to be an avid hunter, and for the past 15 years or so, he’s changed fields and now photographs (and sells prints of) New England wildlife. I had gone to his house to vent to him and my aunt about the newest surprise stress, and after I finished unloading, my uncle asked: “Wanna go look for some eagles?”

“Uh – YES!!!!!” was my reply. I think I had my shoes on before he finished turning around.

I’ve been asking him him he finds all of these animals; I know there are tracking methods I could just study, but my uncle’s talents are beyond that. He just happens about all kinds of things, like he’s a woodland magnet, or maybe a Disney animator with a magic wand.

Whatever it was, we saw the mama (or papa) eagle with the two fledglings at the first pond. Then we went to check out the owl tree – sadly, nothing doing there. I’m glad we went though, because he’s been telling me to look in the tree in the town center. I drove there and there are twenty trees in the little triangle of park! The owl tree he meant? Is across the street in front of someone’s lawn. But he made up for it – we went rambling down backroads, seeing the squirrels the size of cats; a deer ran in front of our truck thankfully when we were crawling along; there were red-wing blackbirds; crows the size of eagles; an empty osprey nest; and then my proudest moment: I asked what the bump on top of a telephone pole thingy was, and it was an Osprey sleeping! Mrs. Monopoli would be so proud of me!

At the next place, which was next to an adorable old-timey cemetery a few towns over, one I’ve driven past a hundred times!, we saw osprey in their nest with wee ones; Great Blue Herons stalking fish in the shallows; other Great Blue Herons in nests (like apartments) with fledglings; paired swans; Canadian Geese; duckies; and even muskrats swimming around! And then, as if that wasn’t enough Disney wonderland to lift anyone’s spirits, he pointed out a doe that was walking through the woods on the opposite shore. See what I mean about how he’s a woodland creature magnet?

All of that buoeyed me today. I hope the thought of it helps someone else, too. I’ve given Uncle John a new list that includes pheasants, bobcats, and a black bear that’s a safe distance away. (If football has taught me nothing, it’s: be very, very specific with your requests to the Gods above.) Oooh, and pheasants – I should tell him there’s been an update. I can’t add porcupines or anything else until we check some off. But it’s okay – I’m keeping track.

And then it turned out the stressy thing went my way this morning and I have a month’s reprieve so I can show everyone that I really am trying to be the best Katie I can be. It just turns out that my action figure comes with a field guide and binoculars.

The girl went over the mountain…

It’s rainy together. Rainy and miserable. And to be honest: it’s kind of put me in a funk.

To be more honest, I started out having a bit of a Jonah day. I have some custody stuff that bubbled up over the weekend, and…. I keep making hard decisions and tough choices and wondering when the terrible, awful, no-good, very bad hurdles will stop showing up. I’m doing my best to build myself back up, but at some point… Man.

So! Because I’m having a bit of a moment, a bit of a day, I decided to post something that I did this week. Another thing that made me feel deep happiness: I reached the top of Mount Wachusett.

There are a ton of hiking trails, all of which I want to crawl into, and explore, and see wildlife. They’re the kind of trails that make me want to sing Girl Scout songs at the top of my voice. (But that would scare the wildlife and the hikers.) So I haven’t. Yet.

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The pictures don’t do it justice; the views are phenomenal, even in all the haze. There are helpful signs at the top of the firepost-climby-tower thing. They show you which mountains are which, and where they’re located. Did you know that you can see Mt. Snow in Vermont? Or mountains and ridges in New Hampshire? Obviously you can see Mt. Manadnock. That bit that’s circled red in the picture? You can’t make it out as well as in person, but that’s the Boston skyline! It’s stunning!

I can make it over the mountain. I know, sometimes, that it seems like asking for help and getting things in order creates more of a problem that never seems to end. But this is the life I’m meant to be living, and if there’s a mountain in my way? Well, then there’s a mountain in my way. It only holds the power that you give it and allow it to have.

So I’m going to be sad if I need to be sad. But I’m also going to remember that I can go back to that mountain top at any time and remember that I can do it.

I can do it.

….the girl went over the mountain, because that’s what was next.

Small victories (and silly little goofs).

I’ve been hitting the gym pretty regularly. It works out for me since my dad’s house is old and you can hear everyone walk everywhere, nevermind trying to work out. And that’s before you try to even find the space to work out. Or a time when we’re all awake at the same time.

I’m proud of the commitment I’ve made. I’m moving steadily (if a little slowly) towards a healthier me on the outside, as well as emotionally.

Down one pants size, two more to go!

That’s right – I’m killin’ it! …We’ll just pretend I didn’t walk a full block past the car when I tried to go home today. Heh. If that isn’t the Katie-est move I could have made in light of all my “glory”!

Chasing deer and owls and sunsets (oh my!).

I spent my evening at my cousins’ again – they leave tomorrow on their new adventure, and I’ve spent nearly every night this week at their house helping them get ready and just enjoying the excited vibe.

When I left, rather than head home, I banged a (figurative) left and drove through the backroads of the towns around me, chasing the idea of finding an owl or turtles or frogs crossing the road or a deer or any number of fun wildlife.

I saw turkeys, grazing on a hillside, but wild turkeys don’t even count anymore….even if I tweet “Turkeys.” every time.

I didn’t see any lynx or owls or deer on the backroads (though I did see a fawn cross the road ahead of my car when I was driving back towards home). Instead, I found this:

It’s not what I was looking for. But it’s just what I seemed to need. Don’tcha think?

Let’s go Red Sox (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)!

Is there anything better than seats on the first base line, in the early summer?

Hanging out with friends, good seats, frozen lemonades, sunglasses, goofy smiles, and that moment you learn you’re in the shade not the sun. Summer nights in the Woo!

I survived the Shorter Way Bridge!

Has anyone else developed a fear fascination with covered bridges since reading Joe Hill’s masterpiece N0S4A2? No? Just me? Huh.

While we were in Vermont, we got to explore the area around a covered bridge, one which perhaps wasn’t the Shorter Way Bridge that inspired the novel, but certainly created some vibes. We stopped to hike around the area, exploring streams, dammed up pools of water (where kids were happily splashing and playing as their parents kept watch), paths, shiny rocks, streaks of granite, pine trees, and (sadly) a lack of moose and bears.

But scary bridges? They had those in abundance! And by abundance, I perhaps mean just the one. Ahem.

It’s pretty, isn’t it? for all of its malevolent vibes. Everyone else thought it was quite lovely. That’s okay: I’m quite used to everyone thinking I’m bonkers. And to be honest, I’m quite grateful that it’s for “normal” things now. Nataly and I ran around having a blast looking for things that made our hearts happy – dandelion wishers to make the perfect slo-mo video, shiny rocks with bits of mica in them, pictures of the magic bridge that might help us discover lost things…

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It was a fun trip! A tiny little excursion in the middle of the most relaxing, jam-packed three-day vacation ever.

And just to prove that the bridge isn’t even what I feared it might be, the superpowers to help Vic find “lost” things wasn’t working on Wednesday; I didn’t find my sanity or my girls.

So then that‘s alright now, isn’t it?

Look out, Vermont!

Guess who’s about to leave (at this godawful-early hour) on a road trip to Vermont?

I’m stoked! My cousin Jon invited me to go along with him and his wife, and then my Auntie Pam and Uncle Mike (Jon’s parents-ish) decided to come along – or were revealed to be coming along, your pick – and here we are at 6 a.m., having been up for two hours.

It was funny: you could see our adult-selves winning over our more basic-needs-selves last night when the grown-ups (Auntie Pam) asked us “kids” time we wanted to leave. The three of us locked eyes. It was a five-hour drive. We’re only there for three days and two nights. We have things we want to do. God-blame-it. Leave at 7 a.m. it is. And while I was originally planning on just staying last night at Jon & Nataly’s house, the cookout was earlier in the day and not at their house any more. So I’m being picked up along the way. Which is why I’m up this early.

But we do! have things to do. We’re stopping to drop off one of Uncle Mike’s paintings at a gallery. (My uncle is a bit of mid-to-really well-known plein-air artist; it’s pretty awesome.) Then we’re stopping at the Von Trapp family brewery… which may or may not be the name of it. But it is most definitely where I will be singing the Hills-Are-Alive songs. No, really. I have them all loaded on my phone, and even if I didn’t, I know them all by heart because that is my mum’s favorite movie in the whole wide world and the thing that brings me home quicker than any other memory.

While there, we have many, many walks and outings planned. My family loves a good ramble in the woods. Jon and I just aren’t allowed in the woods together unsupervised, a story which includes tent-sleeping, scary animals, and not telling grown-ups where you’re really sleeping for the night, but that’s a story for a different time. Speaking of, we just don’t learn our lessons, and Jon and I have some night-time excursions planned that everyone else noped their way out of. I just want to find wildlife!

It took me a minute to remember why, exactly. Other than, you know, seeing wildlife just being fun! and bringing out the little kids in us! My need to find an owl out in the wild, see a bat flying in the sky, see one of the bald eagles that have returned to the area, see a bear (in an environment in which I’m completely safe!) – it all started as a need for me to check things off my bucket list. Seeing a bald eagle was originally intended to be viewed in Alaska, but I adapt. Then others started getting added on. Oh! Moose! Mooses are definitely on my list.

What I didn’t know were on my list were wild turkeys. I was shocked beyond all measure when I started seeing them everywhere when I first moved to town. I was shocked the first few times; stopped to take pictures until about time #30; stopped batting an eye at time #50. You could see them crossing the road in a city neighborhood by the wildlife conservatory every day about 4:30 p.m. I’d find them in people’s yards other times. I know a lot of it is because I did so much driving around. But my turkey discoveries reached levels of disgust the other day. I complained to Corrie that I’d seen umpteen-million wild turkeys and not even one single stupid deer while I was home. All these woods, all these deer crossing signs, had I seen one deer? Nope.

And then yesterday a deer jumped in front of my brand new car. Course it did. Thankfully, I was on a side street driving about ten miles an hour and I’m still pretty jumpy about things in my periphery racing towards my car. The young doe stepped in front of my car, saw me, jumped, and skittered across the road, onto a lawn, and was gone before I could snap a picture.

But I still saw it! In real-time, not from behind-a-phone/camera. One adventure down!

Vermont should really look out! And if not all of Vermont, perhaps just the Ben & Jerry’s Factory. Because it is most definitely on the itinerary!

Hockey, Hattricks, and Hella-good Appetizers.

Yes, yes, yes – it was incredibly shocking when I posted about posting every day *again*, and then I do what? Miss posting the day after my pledge *again*.

Yesterday’s adventure involved going to my cousin’s house for dinner and the Bruins game. Which, can I just say, while I miss my girls exponentially more than anyone could possibly conceive, it’s really nice to be back home where I can be with my own people, people who I’ve known since we were born. Friends I’ve known since I was too young to even spell the word “friend.” My people. People who get just as excited about Boston sports, who understand why you hate the Canadiens, and who understand why you like the silly meme songs about Boston accents and our awesome sports teams.

But maybe the best part? My cousin who’s basically my ride-or-die, who I tell people is my brother more often than cousin, because he lived at my house forever (and we were together all the time even after that), he grew up from being a hooligan to being a master chef.

He made me Scottish Eggs that look like they could sell for $20 easy anywhere else! I may have moaned a little when I took my first bite. Seriously. That good!

For those who don’t know, Scottish Eggs are hard boiled eggs that are prepared, shelled (obviously), dried, and then wrapped in the middle of a thin layer of pork sausage. Then, covered in a thin layer of bread crumbs, and finally fried. I could tell you what was in the secret sauce, but I don’t remember. It was mayo and something a little surprising to me. You have to forgive me, though, because if you were eating something as divine as one of Jon’s Scottish Eggs, you’d forget the words going into your earholes, too.

After that, we watched the Bruins game, saw Pasternak achieve his hat trick, saw McAvoy completely kill it, and listened to my cousin laugh at me applying football knowledge to fill in the gaps of my hockey knowledge; not unlike how John Hammond used frog DNA to make dinosaurs, really.

Let’s just say that there were tutorials not just for Jon’s wife, who’s from Bolivia, but also for me, who is from Boston-ish.

It was a fun, wholesome evening, and I stayed out way too late. BUT! I also learned that not everything will implode if I come home late. Not a bad adventure at all.

On the porch, in the rain, with the Concrete Rose.

Things you can do when you’re house-sitting for an aunt in a house with a covered porch that sits on a quiet street:

You can sit in the rain and read a chapter – that turns into the entire second half – of the book you’re reading, Concrete Rose, by the incomparable Angie Thomas.

The rain was pitter-pattering. Either it was thundering, or the trucks bailing from the Pike onto the main road just one house away sound just like thunder – just like Mum always used to say.

The wind was pushing the rain, too. But the magic porch kept it away, long enough for me to zip through the ending, wondering how Thomas was going to cover the jail thing with so few pages left. (My full review will be on Thursday, when I usually talk about my week in reading, but spoiler: she didn’t.)

You know when you read a really good sequel (or pre-quel, as the case may be) and you want to immediately go back and read the first book that got you hooked? Yeah, that. Only I waited til I went inside and found The Hate U Give already downloaded to my phone. Thank you God for small little miracles.

So, yes, today’s adventure wasn’t any further than my aunt’s front porch. But sometimes adventures are like that.

It just depends on how you want to look at things. Do you need the car keys? No. Not always. Are there still 43905834908 churches out there that I want to photograph? Yes. Are there a billion stories I want to share? Yes. Are there genealogy adventures waiting for me to untangle? YES.

And I can do all of that now. But today’s adventure was one Concrete Rose. And I think you should pick it up and make it your adventure, too.

(And then come tell me all about it.)

Godspeed. Stay safe and don’t get shot. And heaven’s to Betsy: enjoy what you have, right this minute.