This is way beyond the powers of a chocolate milkshake.

Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!!!

First, it was Albert Haynesworth. You remember Haynesworth. He was the guy involved in that minor misunderstanding during the Cowboys game wherein he STOMPED on Gurode’s head WHILE HIS HELMET WAS OFF. Twice! Because he missed the first time! He earned two 15-yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalties, was ejected, suspended five games, and fined for nearly a third of his annual salary. Which was fine with me. Who the bloody hell does something like that?!

Of course, after that Haynesworth went on to become a beast for the Titans. The last year he played for Tennessee, they literally won every game for which Haynesworth played and lost every game he missed due to injury. He was considered the best DT in the league when he signed with the Redskins and promised - nay, threatened – to be a force to be reckoned with. You know – all before he stopped practicing, refused to participate in plays, and left absolutely none of it out on the field. Okay, okay, maybe he left a few drops of sweat that accidentally fell off.

You can see why I was furious and a bit panicky about the trade. And then my brother started sweet-talkin’ me off the ledge. He reminded me about all the talk when we signed Randy Moss. How he was a do-nothing who would never produce for us. We got him for a fourth-round pick (that eventually amounted to nothing) and a record breaking 2007-2008 season. So that worked out okay. Plus, Haynesworth - who requires double-teaming when he gives a damn – would be playing next to Vince Wilfork – who also requires double-teaming. That math adds up to lots of beautimous negative yards for our defense. And not so many runs uppa the middle. (The grinding running games killed us last year.) And all we had to give Washington for such a potential threat (oh god, please make him wanna play) is a fifth-round pick in 2013 and $5.4 million for one year.

So. Finally. Not quite as ledgy. Not only was my butt firmly hugging the wall behind me, I was looking longingly at the window and thinking about maybe crawling inside.

AND THEN WE WENT AND SIGNED OCHO-FREAKING-CINCO.

They have lost their EVER LOVIN’ MINDS. God bless ‘em. Or God bless me. Or someone. Whoever the heck is gonna keep me flippin’ medicated all season, God bless them because ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME?!!

Somebody get the Texans to sign Asomugha. And someone else, anyone other than the Jets, to sign Moss. I quite simply cannot take any more football-related injuries right now.

Tags: football, free agency, NFL