Love labors over difficult questions…

…and if it’s really love, you keep picking at the knot until you find some answers. Love isn’t always easy. You know this; you all know this. Even though this week has been great having my baby sister here to talk to and hang with, to entertain the kids and tattoo them from the toes to their nose, I’ve been busy mulling over some tricksy questions that have been on the back burner of my mind for a long time. Because I love my daughters dearly, I haven’t just taken the question off the stove entirely and thrown it out the back door; I’ve thought about it, stirred the pot, thought some more, and tried to figure out what the heck I think. It’s not easy, but because I love them, here I am trying to make sense of it.

You see, Gracie’s school ends in just over a week. June 4th: freedom, baby! Or, that is what Gracie would say. Not her mama – not me, no way. Because I? I am conflicted. You see, it’s like this: on one hand June 4th means no more packing school lunches, no more contorting schedules and bribing the nurse to get a coveted end-of-day doctor appointment, no more quibbling over homework. But then the dark and twisty side to June 4th rears her ugly head and whispers: daycare tuition goes up 40%, $8,000 air conditioners threaten to die, and then there is the real cause of concern: summer visitation.

The girls are slated to visit their dad for the month of July. That’s codified in the decree and something I’ve expected all along. It’s good for the girls to bond with their dad and for their dad to glimpse how much work (and expense) I put into the daily grind of raising two girls. No conflict there. The problem is that when I sat down with the Ex’s Fiancé awhile back, she raised again the Ex’s request to spend more time with the girls. She asked about the possibility of the girls staying overnight once during the week, if not normally then at least during the summer. There lies the conflict.

I am adamantly against the girls having any sort of haphazard schedule during the school year. They should be able to expect a carefully structured, predictable schedule that lands them in the same bed every school night. I believe down to my sparkly piggy toes that consistency will help them learn better, be more confident, and happier people. So the question then becomes, why not allow them to spend an overnight with their dad during summer vacation? The answer to that…well, that’s sort a squishy one.

I want the girls to be able to enjoy additional time with their dad. I don’t want them to feel like they missed out on anything or to harbor resentments towards either one of us when they’re older. There’s only so much slush money I can pour into their therapy funds; there’s no reason to feed any pre-existing craziness by playing Ex Games. And truth be told – I would like to have an extra night to sign up for a yoga class or work part-time or go out with friends. That’s not anywhere near the top of my priority list and I’ve been surviving just fine without it, but would I enjoy it? Sure! It’s one of a few reasons such a summer living arrangement would work out nicely for all involved.

Which brings us to the downside of the proposal: the Ex has threatened to sue me for joint physical custody. Technically, we have joint physical custody already, but I have primary custody or some such. The Ex threatened to ask the courts for one week on/one week off type deals with our assets and time split fifty-fifty with the kids. I think (I hope!) he’s realized that such a move would hurt the girls a jillion times more than it would devastate me (or help him), and collateral damage is unacceptable. Unfortunately, even the threat of a threat puts me in the awkward situation of having to weigh weekly overnights against the slightest chance he could try to use them against me in any future court battle. So now I’m stuck trying to choose between doing what I think is right (allowing the visits for the summer) and what I need to do to protect our current living arrangements (hold back any extras).

And then there’s the ugly voice that won’t stop jibber-jabbering in my ear. You know the one: the voice of the devil on my shoulder. The harpy. The poor, exhausted, whiny nag who reminds me that Ex refused to share Easter with me and won’t bring the children home on time even when I ask him to…that voice asks me when am I going to realize that enough is enough? When am I going to stop giving and realize that The Ex is only interested in being fair when it suits him? Which isn’t to say he doesn’t do anything to help out; he stays home with the girls when they’re sick from time to time, two summers ago he paid for half of Gracie’s uniforms, he happily agreed to watch the girls while I went out of town for my sister’s surgery. This week he asked, unsolicited, three different times how the girls were feeling in hopes that he could stay home with them. There are some things that go down without negotiating twenty rounds of an armistice deal.

I just don’t know what to do here. Be the bigger person? Or reap what I sow? Does love mean letting the girls spend more time with their dad? Or does love mean keeping quiet about it and sticking to the visitation agreement so that they have greater stability in the long run, on the off-chance he takes us to court? Dangit, this is why I make up stories about runaway ice cubes, because being a grown-up is too much. I know one thing for sure, though: love means picking at the knot and trying to find answers, and being committed to figuring it out all over again if I make the wrong choice. Happy Love Thursday, everyone! Love isn’t always easy, but it’s still absolutely everything.

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Tags: divorce, Love Thursday, parenting, summer, visitation