Huh. This is weird. Really weird sort-of-weird. Today is the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. The day I dread most out of all 365 of them. Know why? I’ll tell you why – it’s because today is the day I have to bake pies. I hate baking pies and pie-baking hates me. I can’t do it. Simply CAN NOT do it. I cry. I beg and plead and whine. Then I call my mom and cry some more. It is not pretty, folks.
I was prepared this morning for my usual pie baking fiascos. That’s what I do now – I just plan around the inevitable. I made sure I wouldn’t have either of the girls today so I could have my meltdowns in private. (No need to scar them – when they get older, they are totally in charge of pies and I don’t want to ruin their confidence when it comes to pie-baking unless I absolutely have to.) I bought three bags of flour and 12 sticks of Crisco so I could start over as many times as I needed to. I had emergency store-bought pie crusts in the freezer in case I had to lie. And I had lots of alcohol on hand in case I needed to drink away the memories. I told you I was prepared.
When it was time to start, I went through my checklist. Rule Number One: Put on Christmas music. Check. Rule Number Two: Put on the magic apron. Uhh…I don’t have my mom’s magic apron, so I put on an old ratty Gibney’s t-shirt from where my mom used to work. Check (sort of). Rule Number Three: Pull out the spaghetti pan for mixing the dough and the magic pastry cloth to make the dough roll out easier. Check. Rule Number Four: Call and warn Mom that I was starting the pies. Check. I was good to go – and an hour later was when I realized that the apocalypse was near and that we’re all going to die.
I rolled out four pie crusts – two bottoms and two tops – in my first four attempts.
I didn’t understand: there were no emergencies, no cursing, no second attempts, no lemon volcanoes in the oven. Everything just sort of went…perfectly. I started at 11 a.m. and my kitchen was clean by 12:30. Then I tried to figure out what to do with the rest of my day.
I haven’t figured it out yet, but in the meantime, if the world ends soon you can totally blame it on my perfect pies.