An open letter to someone tippy-toeing the line…

Dear Mildly Notorious Famous Professor and So-Called Committee Member:

Perhaps you are not aware, since you haven’t bothered to return any of the dozens of emails, messages, and voice mails my sister has left for you, but my sister is feverishly trying to schedule the all-important defense of her doctoral dissertation. She asked me to tell you to call her, should I happen to bump into you. In fact, she asked everyone to tell you to call her. And you know what? That kinda pissed me off.

My sister has been working her butt off to finish her dissertation. Three years of classes. A year student teaching. A handful of high-intensity, low-return research positions. A few jobs she has honestly enjoyed. Years and years of hard work and dedication. My sister is incredibly talented, well-spoken of, and much sought after.

I know you know this. After all, you were along for (almost) the entire ride. You feature in many of her stories. I’ve read your emails. Your articles. I’ve seen you argue point-counterpoint on Fox News programs on Sunday mornings. In fact, I may or may not have jumped up and down, yelling, “I almost know him! I almost know him!” while watching you on said programs. I always enjoyed those stories about you, Mildly Notorious Famous Professor. But now I might just have to kick your butt.

My sister has four out of five members of her defense committee committed to a certain date. Go on and guess who that absent committee member is. And see, here’s the thing: I would really, really like to start looking for airplane tickets so I can watch my little sister, my best friend in the whole world, argue you guys down to the ground. She is going to kick your collective behinds and I am really looking forward to seeing that.

So here’s what you’re going to do. You are going to call her – or, perhaps, shoot off a quick email to avoid hearing that certain tone in my sister’s voice – and commit to that date. In return for which, I will not send you email after email. I will not call and leave you messages and voice mails. I will not leave a trail of color-coordinated sticky notes down the stairs of your apartment building. I will not stalk you at any SEPTA stations, or call in to your Sunday morning shows with a cleverly disguised comment, only to embarrass you on television. I will no longer sit and daydream of clever, funny, and delightfully satisfying means of revenge. (My sister just wants to replace you on her committee, but I think this is much more fun, don’t you agree?) Do not mess with the big sisters of the world, buddy.

Love,
me

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Tags: education, family, PhD, sisters