I have frosting in my hair.

Those of you who know me know one of my golden rules is Thou Shalt Bake Thy Children’s Birthday Cakes Thou-self. (Or is it Thyself?) It’s kind of my thing. I should have known to pick a different thing after the first year when it took four cake mixes, two different tries, and over eight cans of frosting to get it right. And I’m an excellent baker! It’s just that my expectations are set so high, I’m throwing open the door for any cake curses that happen to be walking by to just come right in.

I should have know last night when Gracie’s butterfly cake popped right out of the mold without cracking, crumbling or losing the definition of the cake design that it was too good to be true.

But I was fooled! Because it wasn’t really perfect. I mean, the cake did come out perfectly, but the edges of the cake mix had baked up and burnt a little. I cut them off to level the cake, but still…I was a little worried (and still am) about how the edges would taste. So since I had to de-burntify my cake, I thought I had caught and corrected this year’s cake curse. I was in the clear. Then I started decorating and remembered why I hate birthday cakes.

My first mistake was using the tiny star tip to make tiny little frosting stars all around the cake. I should have just lathered the sides with white frosting, but noooooo, I couldn’t do that; that’s inviting the cake to dissolved into a layer of crumbs which will then infest your frosting! I couldn’t have crumby frosting – the Ex’s family and his girlfriend are going to be at the party. I have to show off. So I covered the sides with white frosting stars and only wished to kill myself with a sharp pointy object about six million times. But I pushed through it, and just as I rounded the last darn curve on the butterfly I was beginning to hate…the bag of frosting exploded. The tip of the decorator shot right off the end of the bag and about three cups of warm, gooey frosting spilled out onto the bottom of my butterfly.

Being a veteran of cake curses, I didn’t even cry. I believe I calmly said, “You’ve got to be kidding me,” and wished that I had upgraded my blog so I could show off a picture. (I took some pics anyway. Just because I’m wacko like that.) Then I calmly got a paper towel, lifted up the tray, scooped the icing off the table, and set the edge of the tray onto the paper towel. I scraped the extra frosting off the cake, and started that whole side over again. THEN I wanted to kill myself again, since the crisis was over and all.

But finally I finished the white sides and was able to move onto the top of the cake. Do you think I came up with a better plan than tiny frosting stars? Of course not! I mixed up some pink frosting and started to outline the details so I would know where not to frosten. Then I started to fill in the wings. And wouldn’t you know, the new frosting bag sprung a leak. Lemme tell ya – at this point, I was rethinking my genius (and hithertofore, tried-and-true) method of snipping off a corner of a Ziplock quart-bag and using it as a decorator bag. I was 0-2. I was able to carry on for about half-a-bag by using my other thumb to cover the small hole. It got a little messy when my thumb slipped, but meh. Eventually I had to cut the bag open, salvage what frosting I could and switch to a new bag – but only because it was 10 p.m. and I wanted to finish the cake before midnight. I know, I’m such a wimp.

Finally, by the grace of God, I finished the stupid pink wings after only 3 hours another 45 minutes. It wouldn’t have taken me so long, except I had to lay down the bag because THERE WAS A GIANT SPIDER running on the kitchen floor! We won’t even think about how I thought I felt something tickling my toes, because my brain will seriously gray out, guys. Anyway. Time was moving along and that’s when I switched tactics. Instead of blue and purple details, I was using chocolate. It actually looked really nice next to all the bright pink. Then, instead of using spring-colored M&Ms for the accents, I used them to cover the pink spots (all the better to cover up the melting frosting, my dears).

You know what? It turned out really well. Green upper wings, blue lower wings, and a purple stripe between chocolate accents. I had pink icing along my jaw, white polka-dots on my glasses, and food coloring in more places than I care to admit. But for all my crises, the cake looks SPECTACULAR! (Just like it always does.) All the same, Gracie better think I am the best mom ever. And if Mother Nature knows what’s best for her, those rain clouds will Stay! Away! until we get the cake to the Ex’s. Hear me?

Tags: baking, birthdays, cake, children, parenting