Setting the scene… So, last night I was sitting on the ledge of the bathtub in the girls/guest bath, running the bathwater. Ironically, I was thinking about what to blog about. That’s when Bee ran into the room, trying to tell me something important from the look on her face.
Bee: “[Something, something, gibberish] on da house!”
Me: “What?”
Bee: “[Gibberish, more gibberish] in da house!”
Me: “What?” Also, wondering if I should shut off the bath water so I could hear her better.
Bee: “[Something] bind da house!!”
Me: “I’m sorry…Gracie pushed you on the house?” (There’s been a lot of pushing lately and a lot of tattling.)
Bee, patient and frantic at the same time: “Noooo, binda on da house!!!”
What in the world was she saying? I thought maybe Gracie squished her pretend house… Wait. Squished. Suddenly her words were VERY clearly translated in my house.
Me: “There’s a SPIDER in the house?”
Bee: “YES! ‘Pider in da house! Look!”
I could almost hear her thinking, Good god, woman, what took you so long? I followed Bee as quickly as I could to the scene of horror. It was almost gigantic. Easily the size of a half-dollar. Maybe a bit bigger. Worse, it was a wolf spider. You know, the kind that can see and have cat-like reflexes. All the better to run up your arm when you try to kill them. Okay, that hasn’t really ever happened to me (yet), but it could.
I told Bee to watch the spider while I got a shoe. (Gracie had long since screamed and vaulted for the couch.) Bee yelled back an encouraging, “Okay, Mommy! It right dere!” I grabbed a flip flop (too flimsy, not enough shoe between it and me) and a solid-bottomed sneaker. I grabbed my sneaker with my right hand and clenched the flip flop in my left as my back up. I approached the spider. It didn’t move, which was a very good sign, I thought. But I froze. “Girls, do you think I can do it?”
“Yes!!” they chorused.
“What happens if I miss?” I asked. Hey, if you’re gonna poll the audience, you might as well go all the way.
Gracie gave me the best pep talk ever. “Then you just hit him again! Bam! And he will be dead and you will be awesome! You can do it, Mom! I know you can!” Aw, shucks! I’m glad she listens to my pep talks! But there was still one measure I needed to take. I lectured the spider.
“Spider, I’m very sorry, but I have to squish you. You’re going to be dead one way or another and I’m really very sorry. So if you could please die very easily and not make this hard on me, I’d appreciate it very much.”
“Do it, Mom!” my girls chanted. And I did! I squished that sucker dead! He barely moved at the last second. Maybe he was sleeping. Maybe he was resigned. Maybe he was a Yankees fan and he sensed the hopelessness of the coming season. Who knows. But I am very grateful that he gave his life so I could sleep tonight. And also that I finally remembered how to speak gibberish!
Tags: motherhood, parenting, spiders, toddlers
April 7, 2009 at 7:55 am |
I should really know better than to follow links to spiders…. I’d be joining Gracie at the couch lol! Though I suppose when I’m a mom and E’s not home that won’t be an option – but still! LOL
That’s an awesome story altogether! I like Bee trying to tell you about it lol!
April 7, 2009 at 9:24 am |
Wonder Mom strikes again.
Thank you for giving me yet another burst of laughter with my coffee.
“Good god, woman, what took you so long?”, what a great line. Your writing is so descriptive; I could see the frustrated expression on Bee’s face.
April 7, 2009 at 9:54 am |
I LOVE the way you write a story. I could just hear Bee frustration and see the look on her face.
But really . . .
You didn’t take a picture of it??? (That is how I prove how brave I was – Once upon a time . . .) I should send you the picture of the wolf spider that was in our house. Pictures first than you squash it. I sent the picture to a friend whose hubby is an exterminator (I didn’t know what it was) and once identified he asked me if next time I could catch the spider for him. After I finished laughing hysterically and asked him if he was crazy.
April 7, 2009 at 1:24 pm |
That was absolutely hilarious! You are so funny. I can’t do it. I cannot smash a bug for nothing in this world. I consider that a husband or son duty. Good for you!!! Thanks for the laugh out loud! I needed that this afternoon.
April 8, 2009 at 5:57 am |
I recommend this book: “knuffle bunny” by mo willems. Your post had me laughing! Those wolf spiders creep me out. Well, all spiders creep me out. Except maybe daddy-long-legs.
April 8, 2009 at 11:10 am |
Victory! I applaud your spider smashing courage. And I LOVED the pep talk. Awesome.
June 29, 2011 at 7:12 pm |
[...] She conquered a speech impediment. [...]