A little like Alice in Wonderland

My Adventures in Wonderland Hospital-land were…something else. There were moments, like those I wrote about yesterday, when I felt like those who were looking out for me would have moved the moon for me. And then there were those moments when I felt like either I was trippin’ on some pretty good drugs already, or else they really need to re-examine patient care. And since this is my blog, I just went through surgery, and I focused first on the positive, today I get to whine make some helpful suggestions. I just know you’re excited!

Card me! First of all, while everyone in the hospital was extremely meticulous in checking my wrist band every where I went and asking me to verify my name and birth date, Hospital Registration never asked me for my ID when I checked in! My friend (who drew the short straw and had to escort me) joked that no one would voluntarily show up for this sort of procedure. But since I had to prepay both an arm AND a leg beforehand, if I had to have this procedure done, why not slip into someone else’s spot who had already paid? Yeah, yeah, the likelihood of that happening, blah blah blah. I still think verifying my identification at the desk would be a good idea if you’re going to actually COVER MY BIRTH DATE on my wristband so I won’t be tempted to cheat.

Clarify the procedure ahead of time! During my last consult with Dr. MIT, he went over three possible procedures I could choose from. I selected lithrotripsy (after checking the cost against the other knife-less procedure), and – to his credit – he did ask if I had any questions. I didn’t think I did, but later the three procedures became confused in my wee little mind. I didn’t recall him mentioning general anesthesia (something I’m pretty anxious about), but a co-worker who has had recurring kidney stones was pretty adamant that they would put me under. I called the doctor’s office to ask and they told me the doctor would use IV sedation. Great! Light IV sedation means the patient is conscious, but in la-la land. Just where I wanted to be. BUT. When Dr. Anesthesiologist came in, he said I would be asleep for the procedure. I stopped his double-speed monologue right there and explained why I preferred to stay awake under light sedation and he said that could be done. The liar. I was out before they had even placed the monitor leads on me.

Take an advocate with you! Thankfully, I had a friend with me who asked every question I was too groggy to think of, retained useful instructions (let’s not discuss how many times I asked him, ‘Wait, what did she say?”), and made sure I got the care I was supposed to. For instance, supposedly the doctor came and talked to me in recovery. I have not a single recollection of talking to him. It is BEYOND irresponsible for a surgeon to expect a patient to remember anything that is said moments after she (supposedly) wakes up from surgery. Thankfully, my friend asked the nurse how the surgery had went or I never would have known. (Trust me, I was too out of it to care.)

Ask questions! You might find out information that they will forget to tell you. For instance, (caution: ick ahead) after I was back to my room, I made a bee line for the ladies’ room. The nurse showed me how to use the strainer, the collection bowl, the call button, so on and so forth. But she should have mentioned that I was going to pee buckets of blood. Oops. Thankfully, I’ve had children and have peed buckets of blood before and didn’t panic. When I asked, the nurse said it was normal. And then there was the issue with the prescriptions! Perhaps my favorite blunder. While six different people were prepping me in my room, my lead nurse asked if I had filled the prescriptions from Dr. MIT’s office. Um….no? Because he hadn’t given me any? She was perplexed. Shuffled papers. Consulted with doctors in the hallway, and promptly came back with three prescriptions. I had to wonder if, way back after my first x-ray when Dr. MIT’s nurse called to (mistakenly) return my call about prescriptions, was she really supposed to be calling to issue them? Maybe not, since my surgery hadn’t been scheduled, but I should have asked Dr. MIT about that when I scheduled surgery. Then I wouldn’t have had to fill them immediately after I was sent home. I also could have asked him why my anti-biotic was labeled with directions to “Take one the day before biopsy, one the day of, and one the day after.” Coupled with 7 pills. Do the math, and then consider that nothing was biopsied. Even the surgical nurse noticed the discrepancy, but never asked the doctor to correct it. ASK QUESTIONS, folks. It pays. Trust me.

So there you are, doctor-owned hospital. I thank you very much for your help (Look at me! Almost back to normal!), but I would like you to please consider my humbly submitted list of suggestions. Thank goodness I don’t charge on your scale, because that would run around at least $800 for such a superb audit of patient care.

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Tags: health, hospitals, kidney stones, surgery