Don’t tell my mom; she’ll give up driving entirely.

The craziest thing happened to me this weekend. After work on Friday, a few of us girls from the office met up at a friend’s house to play cards (no, the fact that I actually went out and attempted to have a life wasn’t the crazy thing that happened. But I do think you’re hysterical). We all left late – in fact, I was the first one to leave at a little after 1 a.m.! We were all having such a good time that we were loathe to leave.

 

Maybe I should have listened to the voice in my ear that kept whispering, “Ack! It’s late! Go home!” I felt wide awake. I had stopped drinking hours ago (and only had two glasses of wine, if that). So I felt pretty good driving along…until about two miles from home when I made a left-hand turn onto my connector street and saw a man standing on the side of the road.

 

He attacked my car.

 

No shit, in the middle of a normally busy intersection (during daylight hours, at least), this well-dressed guy on the shoulder of the road walked into the street and towards my car, trying to get me to stop. There was no way I was pulling over. I started turning the wheel, swerving around him (further and further), and oh he was pissed.

 

He rushed the car, hitting the windows and trying to get in. I was all the way over in the oncoming lane of traffic, as a million thoughts rushed through my head. What the hell is this guy doing? Get out of the road you idiot! Is he trying to scam me, trying to make me run him over? I was trying to slow down enough so that I wouldn’t run him over – he was so close, so close to the car – and trying to go fast enough to get away.

 

I thought I had made it when I heard the loudest ker-whack! I’ve ever heard in my life. My car felt for a second like it had fish-tailed, but I thought maybe I was just being dramatic. The Crazy Guy had thrown himself against my car! I couldn’t believe it. I checked my rear-view to make sure he wasn’t lying in the road and…would you believe the Crazy Guy was chasing after my car?! I made sure he wasn’t going to jump into some vehicle I had missed earlier, in order to chase after me, and then I pulled out my cell phone and dialed 911.

 

I’m not terribly fond of how the 911 emergency system works in my area. You talk first to a general operator who listens as you garble out some explanation of what happened and what service you need. THEN she connects you to the fire department, the police, or EMS and you have to describe the incident all over AGAIN. Completely inefficient. Friday night, though, it was actually a lot better than all of the other times I’ve had to call 911. They had my location right away (even after the transfer) and said they’d dispatch a car to try to pick the knucklehead up.

 

It wasn’t all that clean and simple though. Oh no. Not in my life. Not in 2009, at least. Crazy Guy had popped out my tail light cover. There were smudge marks down the back half of the car where he had thrown himself against it (no, I never clean my car). And a fist-sized dent (!) near the back window where he had tried to smash the window in. Oh, and a big, black mark from whatever he had in his hand. Can you BELIEVE that?! I could have been shot! I could have been carjacked! Any number of things could have happened, none of which I really think were on my list of Changerous Things To Do. Great Googly Moogly.

 

Thankfully, I’m okay. I wish the police would have called to say they’d caught the suspect, but at least my car and I survived with just a few dings and scratches. Next time, I think I’ll host the party, thankyouverymuch. Or maybe just hire a really hot armed guard to escort me home.

Tags: crime